1. There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said...

 

2. Hard Disk Girls: She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Girls: She forgets about you, the moment you turn her...

 

3. HEIGHT OF REPETITION: Forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same email forwarded back to you by someone in the receiving chain....

 

4. The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to...

 

5. The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and, in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the..

 

6. Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an...

 

7. A poor, downtrodden beggar stands on the street, not having much luck. Exasperated and hungry he decides to make a sign, and hastily scrawls the word 'Beg' on a piece of cardboard.

Hardly anyone pays him and his new sign...

 

8. Microsoft to sell Ad space in error messages

Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to...

 

9. One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets.

He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The tech looked at his rifle, and then...

 

10. A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building...

 

11. Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried.

Turning to the other two engineers, he said, `At Wipro, we are trained to...

 

12. There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out.

He began circling around looking for a landmark. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he...

 

13. A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer were all being led to the guillotine to be executed. They ask the priest if he wants to face upward or downward when he meets his fate.

The priest says that he would like to die face up, so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies.

They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly

 

14. An airline pilot with poor eyesight managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand.

One year, though, his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to recite the...

 

15. Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: 'You`re all part of ourteam now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the companycanteen for something to eat. So don`t trouble the other...

 

16. The world`s first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew.

The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out...

 

17. This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

 

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South...

 

18. In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted...

 

19. Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needs.

 

20. 'The man , The Machine, The Software - PeopleSoft VII'

Boy - 'I am a PB boy'

Girl - 'I am a PB gal'

'Badte bacho ke liye complete software - Powerbuilder'

 

21. Why we should feel sorry for tech support people:

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.The tech asked her if she was 'running it under Windows.'

The woman then responded, 'No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his isworking fine.'

 

22. What does a baby computer call his father?

What is a computer`s first sign of old age?

Why was there a bug in the computer?

 

23. This story is set during the early part of this century, when steam trains were still commonplace.

Two men were going to go on a journey by rail. They`d never been on a train before, and were rather nervous. They decided to take some oranges...

 

24. Husband: (Returning late from work) 'Good Evening Dear, I`m now logged in.'

Wife???: Have you brought the grocery?

Husband: Bad command or filename.

Wife???: But I told you in...

 

25. LOG ON: Making the wood stove hotter

LOG OFF: Don`t add wood

MONITOR : Keep an eye on the wood stove

MEGAHERTZ: When a big log drops on your barefoot in the morning

FLOPPY DISK : What you get from piling...

 

26. ISDN - It Still Does Nothing

APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

WWW - World Wide Wait

DOS - Defunct Operating...

 

27. Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents...

 

28. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared thecomputer industry with the auto industry and stated 'If GM had kept upwith technology like the computer industry has, we would all bedriving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles...

 

29. Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversationturned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for anengagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in direneed of a new...

 

30. Your opening line is: 'So, what`s your homepage address?'

You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see 'Enhanced for Netscape 4.0' on one of the clouds.

You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter...

 

31. When asked to your address, your answer begins with http://

Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

You chat with your fingers, not your...

 

32. Some of the commands you would like to have in real life, like - You are already late, and your key is missing. You wish there was FIND TOOL in life!And some more.

 

33. Here`s a conversation of a software professional and his wife

Husband is a Software Professional!!

Husband : Good evening dear, I am now logged in.

Wife : Have you brought the ring?

Husband : Bad command or File name...

 

34. Some IT related abbreviations:

www: world wide wait

dos: defective operating system

and many more interesting ones.

 

35. The following is the conversation between Lallo Prasad Yadav and Bill Gates.

Gates : Hi! you must have heard of Windows.

Lallo : Oh yes! In most govt. offices we have the single window clearance concept.

Gates : At home have u installed...

 

36. A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, 'I`ll have a C monkey please.'

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash...

 

37. A mechanical, electrical and computer engineer were riding together to an engineering seminar when the car suddenly began jerking and shuttering.

The mechanical engineer, said, 'I think the car...

 

38. Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God....

'Well, Bill, I`m really confused on this call. I m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home...

 

39. 5.No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

4.Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3.The native language used to communicate with...

 

40. Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department Manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one...

 

41. There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem...

 

42. Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

 

43. Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

 

44. Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

 

45. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

 

46. AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

 

47. The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

 

48. Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

 

49. Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

 

50. Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

 

51. Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

 

52. Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

 

53. Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

 

54. New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

 

55. Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

 

56. Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

 

57. Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

 

58. Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

 

59. UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

 

60. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

 

61. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons

 

62. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

 

63. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.

 

64. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"

 

65. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.

 

66. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.

 

67. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.

 

68. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."

 

69.

 

99 little bugs in the code,

99 bugs in the code,

Fix one bug, compile it again,

101 little bugs in the code.

101 little bugs in the code,

101 bugs in the code,

Fix one bug, compile it again,

103 little bugs in the code.

 

70. Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny lines all over the screen. What do I do?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

71. Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

72. Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

73. Q: How do I create a new document?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

74. Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

75. Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch ?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

76. Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch ?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

 

77. Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch Document ?

A: Don't shake it.

 

78. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

 

79. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

 

80. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

 

81. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

 

82. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

 

83. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

 

84. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

 

85. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

 

86. 100 Buckets of Bits

100 buckets of bits on the bus

100 buckets of bits

 

87. Take one down, short it to ground

FF buckets of bits on the bus

FF buckets of bits on the bus

FF buckets of bits

 

88. Q: My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?

 

A: Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

 

89. Windows95: n.

 

32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition

 

90. Windows95: n.

 

32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition

        They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

        A better model is always just around the corner.

        They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

        It is always necessary to have a backup.

        They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

        The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

        The lights are on but nobody's home.

        Big power surges knock them out for the night.

        Size does matter

 

 

91. Top nine reasons computers must be female:

        Picky, picky, picky.

        They hear what you say, but not what you mean.

        Beauty is only shell deep.

        When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".

        Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.

        Always turning simple statements into big productions.

        Smalltalk is important.

        You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.

        They make you take the garbage out.

 

 

92. Surfin' the Net

So I think I'm in the clear

the boss is no where in sight

I logon to the web and start to surf

and then my hair stands up with fright

 

93. Top FIVE Signs You Bought A Bad Computer

        Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

        It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

        In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

        It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

        The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

 

94. You know you have been on the computer too long when...

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits

 

95. I have a spelling checker.

It came with my PC.

It plane lee marks four my revue

Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

 

 

96. "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts protected by 1st amendment, declare internet lawyers Canter & Siegel.

 

97. IBM

I Blame Microsoft

Idiots Buy Me

Idiots Building Machines

I'll Buy Macintoshes

It Bit Me

 

98. WINDOWS

Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed

When I Need Data Output Without Speed

While Idle, Needs DX or WorkStation

Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

 

99. WIN

Whoppingly Immense NOP

Worm Infestation Netware

MS-WINDOWS NT / WINDOWS NT

 

100. Different Operating Systems Expectations

 

Macintosh: What You See Is What You Get

MS-DOS: You Asked For It, You Got It

UNIX: IfUHv2sk, UDntWnt2Kno

VMS: You Got It, All Of It, Want It Or Not