1. When i open my eyes every morning i pray to God that everyone should have a friend like you.... Why should only i suffer!!!

 

2. One day Santa"s Girlfriend asks him, Darling, om our Engagement will you give me a RING?Santa:Ya sure, Give me ur Telephone No.

 

3. Fill in the blank...I"m ur .....friend- a)-Cute b)-Sweet c)-Loving d)-Boy/Girl e)-Best of all Reply is a must... ""

 

4. "Do U know the fullform of COLLEGE- C-Come,O-On,L-Lets, L-Love, E-Each,G-Girl,E-Equally......Thats why boys go to college regularly....

 

5. Who said english is easy???Fill in the blank with YES or No... 1.-----I don"t have brain... 2.-----I dont have sence... 3.-----I am stupid....

 

6. " If ur world is spining Round & Round..& Round....Ur heart is beating fast ,do u think its LOVE? na Munna na its called high B/P...

 

7. Merry Christmas, Enjoy New Year, Happy Easter, Good luck on Valentines, Spooky Halloween & Happy Birthday Now bug off and don't annoy me for the next 12 months!!!!

 

8. what happend 2 ur mobile? i was trying 2 call u but i got this msg: welcome 2 D jungle network,D monkey u r tring 2 call is on tree plz try later.

 

9. First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering

 

10. Last night I lay in my bed looking at the beautiful stars, the moon and the sky...then i thought where the fuck is my roof

 

11. Birdy birdy in the sky dropped a poopy in my eye, I don't worry I don't cry, I'm just happy that cows can't fly!

 

12. If your a Vegetarian to be nice to animals, why are you eating there food

 

13. Its been a rough day.I got up this morning,put on a shirt N a button fell off.I picked up my briefcase N the handle came off.I'm afraid 2 go 2 the bathroom

 

14. Jesus says to John come forth ill give you eternal life. John came fifth he won a toaster

 

15. At dis moment in time 10 million people r having sex.5 million people r drinking coffee.100 million people r sleeping & 1 stupid fool is reading my text!pass on

 

16. The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass & flowers 2. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn’t it rain on you?

 

17. i want u 2 know dat our friendship means alot 2 me.U cry i cry.U lauf i lauf.U jump out of da window... I look down & den... i lauf again

 

18. An independant study has proven dat those who have a bad sex life & who are crap in bed are readin dis message in their right hand!

 

19. I'm @ the police station now been done 4 drink driving.Urine sample was positive so I nicked the sample.they r now doin me 4 taking the piss

 

20. girls are like phones. we like to be held and talked too- but if u press the wrong button u'll be disconnected!

 

21. God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

 

22. MEN-opause MEN-strual pain MEN-tal illness GUY-necologist HIS-terectomy EVER NOTICED HOW WOMENS PROBLEMS START WITH MEN??

 

23. This cat is cat a cat good cat way cat to cat keep cat a cat idiot cat buzy cat for cat 20 cat seconds cat! NOW READ IT WITHOUT SAYIN CAT!

 

24.

><(((:>I send dis fish as a sign of friendship Plz take care of it & keep it in mobile & daily put ur mobile in water so tat fish wont DIE:-)

 

25. One day Raja and rani decided to send messages to each other by using Pigeon instead of mobile. The very next day pigeon reached raja without any message. He angried and called to rani.She told stupid "This was a missed call"

 

26. can you lend me 2000 Rs? i need it. please help me out, i know you have it, i wil return it .a sardar asks to ATM machine????

27. terrorists have kidnapped our lecturers... and demanded aransom of 500000 rs or else they will burn them with kerosene... plz donate. i have donated 15 litres

 

28. Dear user,your wife can become mother without your struggle!Just SMS 'CHILD' or call customer care at 9890****** & be a tension-free DAD!

 

29. A couple wanted katna(Circumcision)of their son,but they dont know proper word to print,so they printed the wording :THE CUTTING CEREMONY OF FUCKING INSTRUMENTS: 

Husband sitting near to his wife n she was driving,Husband:please slow down the speed of car.Wife:No ;please. No; please NopleaseNopls..Husband:the Newspaper ill publish ur correct Age 55 in case of axident; Ohh KHkhkhkhkhkh...

 

30. Why do couples hold hands during their wedding day?.?.?.?.... It is just a formality, like two boxers shaking hands b4 the fight begins !

 

31. girl friends are like mobile phone, whenever you want happiness just check inbox, whenever u want to cry check out box, and whenever u want to enjoyment just plug in your charger and enjoy.

 

32. Husband asks, Do you know the meaning of WIFE.

It means...Without Information Fighting Everytime!

WIFE satys No, it means -

With Idiot for Ever.

 

33. Hay Baby ;) Atom Bomb:

An invention to end all inventions

 

34. Marriage:

It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master 

 

35. Love affairs:Something like cricket,

where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test

 

Pappu, while filling up a form: Dad, what should I write for mother

tongue.?

Santa: Very long!

 

36. This is your boss: "You are allowed to read the newspaper during the working hours and do certainly not miss the job adds."

 

37. This sms can only be read by someone SEXY:...try again...again...maybe you are just not sexy?...one more time...hey don't force it ugly!!!

 

38. Those beautiful eyes, that incredible body, such a brain, a sexy mouth, nice smile .... but that is enough about me, tell me how you are?

 

39. We cannot grant you a life insurance policy because you are already 102 years old. "I do not understand. It is proven statistically that at that age only few people die."

 

40. We will now upgrade your brain.......Please wait........Searching.......Searching.......Still searching........Sorry, no brain found !!!

 

41. What he want, I do not want ... What I want, he does not want ... What we want, is not allowed!

 

42. When I was a dog, and you were a flower, I walked over you and gave you a shower!!

 

43. You are an unwanted child. Your parents paid the medical expenses for your birth with their accident insurance.

 

44. You are never too blond to learn !!!

 

45. You got STYLE... You got SEX-APPEAL... You got the BRAINS... and you sure as hell got the BODY....WAIT!!!!!...SORRY....wrong number

 

46. You have the ones that think and you have the ones that do things. The worst kind are those who think that they are doing things.

 

47. You should know what it takes to look this cheap!

 

48. You used to be so ugly that your mother had to tie a steak around your neck, otherwise even the dog would not play with you

 

49. You will have to cut back on your sex live. What part will you leave out, talking about it or thinking about it?

 

50. You with your beautiful eyes, you with your nice hair, you with your fantastic body ... o, sorry, wrong number

 

51. You’d better not be a dayfly and not having your day.

 

52. Your provider adjusted his rates. The rate is determined by the length of your genitalia, the shorter they are, the less you pay. You can telephone for free from now on!

 

53. It's important to find a man who has money, a man who adores you, a man who is great in the sack. It's also imprtant that these 3 men should never meet!

 

54. A man can kiss his wife goodbye. A flower can kiss a butterfly. Wine can kiss a frosted glass.But u my friend can kiss my ass!

 

55. i tried to call you from a payphone last night. i put my doner card in by mistake, it cost me an arm and a leg!

 

56. Hey can u do me a favour, take a pic of urself n send me it, i'm playin cards n i'm missin the joker!!

 

57. Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty… so the world needs YOU after all!

 

58. Jesus says to John come forth ill give you eternal life. John came fifth he won a toaster

 

59. A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home

 

60. At dis moment in time 10 million people r having sex.5 million people r drinking coffee.100 million people r sleeping & 1 stupid fool is reading my text!pass on

 

61. The rain makes all things beautiful.The grass & flowers 2. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn’t it rain on you?

 

62. i want u 2 know dat our friendship means alot 2 me.U cry i cry.U lauf i lauf.U jump out of da window... I look down & den... i lauf again

 

63. Why is a woman 20.000 $ worth and a man only 2$? A woman has a milk factory, a mussel farm and a sawmill; a man a sausage, 2 bitterballs and a little pot of mayonnaise

 

64. Bigamy..............What is the penalty for bigamy? ............... Two mothers-in-law !

 

65. What does it say on the wrapping of the Morning-after pil??? ......first some screwing before use

 

66.Farmer seeks woman with tractor. Please add photo of tractor.

 

67. Do you think I can live for another fourty years? ... Do you drink? ... No! ... Do you smoke? ... No! ... Do you visit the whores? ... No! ....... Why do you want to live another fourty years?

 

68. Dialogue between 2 undertakers. "Do you have sometimes a dead period?"

 

69. There are numerous restaurants where you can eat Chinese. But it does not help a bit. There are more every day.

 

70. Do you believe that getting married on a Friday brings bad luck ? "Of course, why would Friday be an exception?"

 

71. Can I go to the theatre? Asks a mosquito ot her mother. "yes but be aware, pay attention during the applause."

 

72. Lights on, door open, nobody at home

 

73. As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.

 

74. He's as bent as a butchers hook

 

75. He's as happy as a Pig in $hit

 

76. About as welcome as a fart in a telephone box

 

77. About as subtle as a flying brick

 

78. She's got more wrinkles than an Elephants scrotum

 

79. She's more nervous than a long-tailed dog in a room full of rocking chairs

 

80. As tight as a Camels arse in a Sand-storm

 

81. She's stroked more wood than a Furniture Polisher.

 

82. About as interesting as watching paint dry

 

83. Av seen better looking bodies at a scrapyard

 

84. I've seen better hands on a clock

 

85. As confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market

 

86. He's as baffled as Adam on Mothers Day

 

87. She's got half the Black Forest hanging out of her armpits

 

88. As nervous as a turkey at Christmas

 

89. She's seen more ceilings than Michelagelo

 

90. She ran off quicker than shit off a shovel

 

91. She's as fit as a butchers dog

 

92. She's got a face squeezed like a squeezed tea bag

 

93. As useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy arse

 

94. His nose is snottier than a frog in a blender

 

95. Uglier than a hatfull of assholes.

 

96. As rare as a brass monkey's bollocks

 

97. As pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner

 

98. This guy is all foam, no beer.

 

99. As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.

 

100. About as useless as a jam sandwidch to a drowning rabbit.