1. Nobody is perfect, I am Nobody

 

2. Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do

 

3. "Dont worry when you walk through Your LIFE...

Coz U ve tied me Tightly on your shoes and I wont make U Fall"..:-)

 

4. Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil.

 

5. I always divide people into two groups. Those who live by what they know to be a lie, and those who live by what they believe, falsely, to be the truth.

 

6. You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.

 

7. Always forgive your enemies -- Nothing annoys them so much.

 

8. It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up, because by that time I was too famous.

 

9. Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

 

10. The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected.

 

11. The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.

 

12. An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.

 

13. I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want -- an adorable pancreas?

 

14. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

 

15. I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true.

 

16. Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere.

 

17. More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

 

18. I do benefits for all religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

 

19. I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

 

20. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

 

21. Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. -E. B. White

 

22. Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

 

23. Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. -E. B. White

 

24. A person without a sese of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road. -Henry Ward Beecher

 

25. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

 

26. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying

 

27. If I'd known I was going to live so long, I'd have taken better care of myself.

 

28. Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

 

29. People like crowds. The bigger the crowd, the more people show up. Small crowd, hardly anybody shows up.

 

30. Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

 

31. Sure, there's no 'i' in team, but there is an 'm' and an 'e'.

 

32. We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

 

33. Im not under d affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep.Im not half as thunk as u drink.I fool so feelish and da drunker i stand here da longer i get

 

34. Last night i wanted to send u a msg, but all i could write was: "noh ss!w !". it didn't make much sense until i read it upside down...

 

35. MEN-opause MEN-strual pain MEN-tal illness GUY-necologist HIS-terectomy EVER NOTICED HOW WOMENS PROBLEMS START WITH MEN??

 

36. Pls remind me 2 remind u about remindin me to send u dis reminder oh dat reminds me can u remind me wot the reminder was ive forgot!

 

37. Piss the taking is someone that realise u this like times at its! NOW READ IT BACKWARDS!!

 

38. Ur cute gorgeous fine & dandy.really sexy u make me randy.ur good wiv ur mouth & also in bed …oops sorry wrong number 4get wot I said!

 

39. I saw sumthing in da shop window 2day.It was stunning sexy cute beautiful & adorable.I was supposed 2buy it4u till i realised it was my own REFLECTION

 

40. Those innocent eyes... Those kissable lips... A great smile... The perfect walk... Smoothest talk... Absolutely gorgeous.. Thats enough bout me-How r u?

 

41. You’re Attractive Gorgeous Sexy Intelligent Smart Charming Sophisticated Fit Kind & Generous. In fact you’re becoming more like me everyday!

 

42. NEWFLASH tell all ur female m8s dat u can get 1000 tampons for £1.No strings attacthed but 4 limited period.Its a bloody good deal!

 

43. NEWS FLASH: The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

 

44. NEWSFLASH.. Police arrested 2 kids yesterday: 1 was drinking battery acid the other was eating fireworks.They charged one and let the one off.

 

45. *NEWSFLASH* An independant study has proven dat those who have a bad sex life & who are crap in bed are readin dis message in their right hand!

 

46. i'm @ the police station now been done 4 drink driving.Urine sample was positive so I nicked the sample.they r now doin me 4 taking the piss

 

47. i hereby place u under arrest 4 violating code 0569 - distracting public with ur xtreme good looks &sex appeal.remain silent & report 2 my bedroom

 

48. If a big fat man creeps into your bedroom one night and stuffs you into a bag, Then do not worry 'cause I told Santa I wanted you for christmas!

 

49. Smilin is infexous u catch it lik d flu.wen sum1 smild at me 2day i startd smilin 2.now im infectd iv sent it thru dis txt.so now ur smiling who wil it go2 next?

 

50. Dear friend! Do you take me 2 b your lawful text mate.2 have & 2 hold.4 dirty quotes or saucy jokes.in text messaging & in poor signal.til low battery do us part?

 

51. A good friend is like a good bra... hard 2 find- comfortable- supportive- prevents u from falling- holds u tight- and is always close 2 ur heart!

 

52. Merry Christmas, Enjoy New Year, Happy Easter, Good luck on Valentines, Spooky Halloween & Happy Birthday Now bug off and don't annoy me for the next 12 months!!!!

 

53. why do i text u? its my choice its my way of sayin dat i remembr u. why do i remembr u? il neva know its not my choice its my hearts.

 

54. Last nite I lay in bed looking at the stars- the beautiful sky and the endless horizon....& suddenly I thought...where on earth is my roof?

 

55. If U delete this message thats bcoz u love me. If u save it thats bcoz u desire me & if u ignore it thats bcoz u miss me. So what u gonna do with IT?

 

56. Theres an urgent meeting in the jungle! Everyones there.. lions, tigers, cheetas and ape, but the meetin cant start because the monkey is reading this text

 

57. do u believe in love at first site or do i have to walk by again

 

58. if i said u had a hot body would u hold it against me

 

59. im really good at algerbra but am having trouble getting your digit

 

60. can i have pic of u coz i wana show santa wot i wnt 4 xmas!

 

61. My magical watch says you aren't wearing any underwear!

Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast.

 

62. "r ur legs tired"? coz uve been runnin through my mined all day

 

63. There are 256 bones in your body! Would u like another?

 

64. if i cood re arrange da alphabet i wood put u and i together

 

65. ive lost my teddy bear.......do u want to sleep with me tonight?

 

66. is youre father a robber ? well who stole the stars and put them in ure eyes ?

 

67. U gotta B a parking ticket or something coz u got the word FINE written All over ya!

 

68. HERE'S 10p GO AND PHONE YER MAM AND TELL HER YOU WOAN'T BECOMING HOME TONITE

 

69. im no fred flintstone but i'll make ur bedrock

 

70. These four guys were walking down the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"

The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "Excuse me, what's meat?"

The North Korean says, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?"

The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? Actually, what's excuse me?"

 

71. A right-lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

 

72. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.

 

73. A new wagon designed for LA rush hour traffic is called the Stationary wagon.

 

74. A banker fell over board from a boat. His friends couldn't find a life preserver.

One asked, "Can you float alone?"

 

75. Did you hear about the Irish terrorist who tried to scare America?

He covered his monitor with Anthrax and then sent an e-mail to the US President.

 

76. Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

 

77. The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:

Support your right to bare arms!

 

78. "You should be ashamed," the father told his son, "When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school." "Really?" the kid said. "Well when he was your age, he was president."

 

79. JUST FOR FUN…

Only in America...

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an

ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating

rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry,

and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens

to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the

driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then

have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to

talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in

packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process

so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking

creatures"...

 

80. Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

 

81. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

 

82. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils

 

83. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

 

84. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

 

85. I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

 

86. Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

 

87. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

 

88. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

 

89. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

 

90. If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto.

 

91. A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.

 

92. It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job: it's a depression when you lose yours.

 

93. Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing - Gary Coleman is going to drown.

 

94. "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car"

 

95. "I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."

 

96. A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

 

97. "People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world," Calvin.

 

98. "Never stand between a dog and the hydrant."

 

99. "Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality."

 

100. "Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?"