1. Two Lovers Plan to die, 2 Lovers plan to suicide. Boy jumped first, Girl closed her eyes & return back saying love is blind. Boy in air opened his parachute saying love never dies.

 

2. Why do couples hold hands during their wedding day?.?.?.?.... It is just a formality, like two boxers shaking hands b4 the fight begins !

 

3. AT 18 a lady is like a football, 22 men behind her,

at 28 a basketball, 10 men behind her,

at 38 a golf ball, 1 man behind her,

at 48 a TT ball, 1 man pushing her to the other

 

4. Girls are like roads,more the curves,more the dangerous they are

 

5. always keep a picture of ur wife in ur wallet look at it when u r in trouble u will feel that other problems r not as big as this one

 

6. woman:"last night i dreamt of u buying me a diamond necklace"

man:"tonight, go to sleep and enjoy wearing it"

 

7. A mobile is like women :- TALKS NON-STOP, COSTS A FORTUNE, DISTURBS WHEN UR BUSY AND WHEN U NEED THEM URGENTLY THEY HAVE NO SERVICE..

 

8. Teacher: What r the people of Turkey called?

Student: I don't know.

Teacher: They r called Turks, now What r the people of Germany called?

Student: They r called Germs

 

9. A Nurse come in Doc's Room.

Docs Asks: Why is ur one Boob out of ur Shirt?

Nurse ans:

Oh! These medical students never keep the things at place after use.

 

10. a baby boy & baby girl making bath in bath tab.

baby Girl saw down of boy and asked.

can i touch your peen,

OH NO NEVER.

you have already broken your own

 

11. Pledge of BOYS - my country is our nation, girls r our destination, dating is our occupation, flirting is our proffesion,to hell with education.

 

12. no men no women no women no love no love no sex no sex no children no children no school no school no homework no homework no problems!

 

13. Man: please give me black colour condom

shopkeeper:why black colour condom????

man:my friend's dead so i want to share the sadness with his wife tomorrow night

 

14. The more you study. the more you know,

The more you know. The more you forget,

The more you forget. The less you know,

So why study? 

 

15. A woman goes to a doctor & said: doctor! can u make another hole near my v--na?

Dr: why?

woman: bussines is doing good, so i'm planing to open a new branch

 

16. Mukesh sais to Anil Ambani:"I wnt to kiss ur wife". Anil replied: "Ok but 40paisa per min" anil wife shouted "don't cheat him. Reliance to reliance free

 

17. School- a place where papa pays & son plays.

Life insurance- a contract tht keeps you poor all ur

Life so tht you can die rich.

Nurse- a person wakes up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage- a contract in which a boy loses his.

Bachelors degree & girl gets her masters degree.

 

18. first prisoner:What were you convicted for?

Second prisoner:Nothing.

First prisoner:Honestly...for nothing.I stole a wallet, but there was nothing in it?

 

19. A mans occupation

is 2 stick his coqulation

up a womens ventalation

2 increase the population

of the younger generation

if ya wanna demonstration

please lie down

 

20. want to hear a dirty joke!!!!

2 pigs jumped in mud

want to hear a clean joke!!!!

they took a bath...

 

21. GREAT OFFER

SEND YOUR GIRLFRND 2 ME

&

GET A CHILD FREE!!

 

22.

75yrz old man got married with a girl of 15 yrz old. At marriage nite they both r crying cuz Girl don't know anything and an old man hav 4gotten evrythng 

 

23. Girl to Mom: "Is it true that Babies come out from the same place where Boys put their P---S?"

Mom: "Yes"

Girl: "Wow! My Baby will come out from my mouth"

 

24. My wife ran away with my best friend.

To tell you the truth, I really miss him.

 

25. Whats the closest thing to a womans period?

Your salary.

It comes once a month,

lasts About 3 or 4 days and if it doesnt come,everythings f~cked

 

26. What do you call a wife who is sexy,

beautiful,intelligent,understanding,

caring, never jealous and a great cook?

 

27. Husband asks,Do u know the meaning of WIFE.

Husband asks,Do u know the meaning of WIFE.

It means...Without Information Fighting Evrytime!

WIFE on hearing this says,

it could also mean-With Idiot For Ever.

 

28. Early to bed and early to rise makes ur girlfriend go out with other guys.

 

29. A Train is bout2 crash. A frantic virgin strips off n says:

'' Can anyone make me feel like a woman b4 I die?''

So a man takes off his clothes n say,''Iron these!''

 

30. A woman goes 2 a dentist 4 tooth extraction

doc tells her 2 lie down and gets ready with tools

lady lifts her skirt,doc says im not a gynacologist im dentist

she says i want to get my hubbys tooth removed

 

31. Mother to Teenage Daughter : "I think its time that we should talk about SEX."

Daughter : "Yes Mom, What do You want to know ?".

 

32. what's common between the MAN’S & WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR?

1) both are hott

2) both look better while going down

3) both disappear by night............

 

33. Patient : I always see spots before my eyes.

Doctor : Didn't the new glasses help?

Patient : Sure, Now i see the spots much clearer.!!

 

34. After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love & didn't notice."

 

35. Husband to a newly wed Wife.I could go to the end of the worldfor u,, wife thanks, but promise me u will stay there

 

36. behind every SUCCESSFUL woman, there is a SATISFIED man,but behind a SATISFIED woman there is an EXHAUSTED man...

 

37. A man to cardiologist, How dare u tell my wife that she has a cute Vagina, Doctor, stupid, i told her that she has acute Angina.

 

38. Which Type Of Woman Is Yours?

HARD-DISK Woman:She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Woman:She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Woman:Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

EXCEL Woman:They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use for your four basic needs.

SCREENSAVER Woman:She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Woman:Difficult to access.

SERVER Woman:Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Woman:She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Woman:She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Woman:Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS Woman:Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expected

 

39. A husband was stung by a bee on his penis and it became swollen. His wife prayed, "Oh God may you remove off the pain and leave the size as it is.

 

40. Maid cleaning bedroom found a used condom and kept looking at it. Madam asked dont you have sex in the village, Maid "Yes we do but not till the skin drops off.

 

41. A Wife is sleeping in the middle of the night, she suddenly shouts: "Get up quickly my hasband is here!!!"

the man gets up from the bed, jumps out the window, hurts himslef and then realizes "Damn, I am the hasband!!!"

Who's guilty in the situation???

 

42. Best SMS of the year- a Mother makes her son "INTELLIGENT" in 20 Years, but a girl makes him STUPID in 2 minutes

 

43.in chemistry class teacher asked a girl:what r Nitrates?Girl answered shyly:nights rates r high then day ..!

44. Q-Why is reading a Playboy/Playgirl magazine like reading National Geographic?

A-U get 2 see many great places u dont get 2 visit

 

45. Judge-y did u attack tat young man?

Old lady- he grabbed me, took my clothes off, threw me on d bed & shouted APRIL FOOL!

 

46. Two snakes meet each other..

First snake:I hope I am not poisonous.

Second snake:Why?

First snake:Because I bit my lip!

 

47. A mother bought her son a $39 Halloween costume to scare his friends "Should I take the price tag off?", the boy asked. "Leave it on," his mother replied. "We'll scare your father too

 

48. a man gave his testes to boy to play.they threw moni on him he pressurisd them and man dead

 

49. girls are like an internet virus, they enter ur life, scan ur poket , transfer ur money, edit ur mind, download their problems delete ur smiles and hang u for ever

 

50. How Do U Tell To UR Girlfriend If U Want 2 go 2 Toilet During Dinner? Darling,I've 2 Shake Hands with a Close friend of

 

51. NEWTONS LAW OF LOVE:- LOVE CAN NEITHER B CREATED NOR DESTROYD BUT IT CAN ONLY B CHNGD FRM ONE GRL TO ANTHR WID D LOSS OF MONEY

 

52. Romance Mathematics

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

53. what is the diffrent between

Himami & Sunami?

Himami is face wash,

Sunami is total wash

 

54. TEACHER :Name the animal which live in water & land

STUDENT :Simple 'Frog'

TEACHER :Now name such 4 animal

STUDENT :Simple "Frog's mother,Frog's father,Frog's sister".:

 

55. A convicted rapist was sentenced to a death penalty.he was 2 choose between being hanged or being injected with a seringe with HIV/AIDS blood.he choose to be injected with AIDS, after they have finished with him he never stoped laughing and they asked why r u laughing he just wispered and say i have put on a condom

 

56. Why women love gold more than men? Because gold has 24 carrot whereas man has only one carrot

 

57. What is the difference between secretary & private secretary? Ans: secretary says GOOD MORNING SIR & private secretary says ITS MORNING SIR.

 

58. Mother to her tennage daughter:

I think it's time that we should talk abt sex..

Daughter: Sure Mom!!, What u want to know?..

 

59. A guy donated blood to his girlfriend. After a while they broke up and he wanted it back. The girl threw a pad at him and said. i'll pay u back in monthly instalments.

 

60. Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatoes 5 days ago, he hasn`t come back yet!

Santa: Why don`t u cook something else. 

 

61. After confessing dat he raped a woman,a blind man said:"I saw her naked & I couldn't help it."

 

62. Patient to Doc: Aapne nurse bahut achhi rakhi hai, uska haath lagte hi main theek ho gaya.

Doctor: Jaanta hu, thappad ki awaaz mujhe bhi sunai di thi.

Q........Why do girls dont put mobile phones n their BRA?

A.........Bcoz Vibration convert milk into Lassi.

 

63. When the apple is green and ready to pluck. When a girl is sixteen she's ready to fuck!

 

64. The 3 wonders of a woman 1*give milk without eating grass 2*get wet without water 3*bleed for a week without going 2 die

 

65. No Boys! No Boys, no Sex. No Sex, no Kids. No Kids, no School. No School, no problems! Why Boys??

 

66. After the party - mum, I am not drunk, I can lay on the flour without holding on

67. A girl phoned me the other day and said...Come on over, there is nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

 

68. I love you in the mornig, I love you in the evening, but most of all, I love you when you are leaving

 

69. No men, no love, No love, no sex, No sex, no childeren, No childeren, no school, No school, no homework, No homework, no problems!

 

70. NEWS FLASH snow white has been thrown out disneyland. she pulled up her skirt, sat on pinnochios face & shouted lie u bastard, lie, lie!

 

71. What's the difference between your job and your wife? Your job still sucks after five years!

 

72. If you want SEX take a boy and RELAX but don't forget DUREX!!!

 

73. If you think fuck is funny fuck yourself and save the money

 

74. When I was a dog, and you were a flower, I walked over you and gave you a shower!!

 

75. Computers are machines to help you solve problems you wouldn't have if you didn't have a computer.

 

76. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

 

77. If you have no voice: SCREAM...... If you have no legs: RUN......... If you have no hope: INVENT…

 

78. When I was a baby, I played with toys. Now I'm a lady and I play with boys!!

 

79. Man: I would really like to get into your pants. Woman: No thanks. There's already one asshole in there.

 

80. A man was dying of cancer. His son asked him:dad why do you keepon telling everyone that your dying of AIDS.He replied"So that when i die no 1 will fuck ur mom

 

81. Kill one you're a murderer, kill 10 you're a serial murderer, kill them all, you're GOD.

 

82. The first day we met,I wanted you in my bed. Today I know better, so I will write it in my letter. In my bed I've seen so many faces, so I'll fuck you at different places.

 

83. Text messaging is like a blow-job off an amateur prostitute; short...sweet and always cheap!!!

 

84. Love your neighbour, but don't get caught.

 

85. To wake up in the morning and always see the sun no matter the weather, I'm glad the day has begun.

 

86. I hate it when you leave, but I would like to see you go.

 

87. When do you know a woman is going to say something interesting ? .... When she starts with "My husband said..."

 

88. One chicken to an other: are you tokkin' to me?

 

89. Man says to his wife : Let me take a picture of your breasts, than I can always look at them. Wife : Let me take a picture of you penis, I will have it enlarged.

 

90. A blond woman picks up a 100. Was it a smart or a stupid blond one? ...................... stupid of course, there are no others

 

91. What's the difference between blonds and traffic-signs? Some signs say stop.

 

92. Why does a stupid blond woman sneak past the pharmacy? ................. She does not want to wake the sleeping tablets!

 

93. Dear God, I will keep it brief otherwise they will steal my dinner. AMEN

 

94. When you harrass a boy, pull his pants down and your skirt up, because you can run faster with your skirt up than he with his pants down.

 

95. There are three girls in the sixth grade ... A blond a brown and a red. Who has the biggest boops ? ............ The blond because she already reached the age of 20!!!

 

96. If I'd had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents !

 

97. How to keep an idiot entertained *press down* ................... .................... How to keep an idiot entertained *press up*

 

98. Can I have your picture? ......... I save natural disasters

 

99. Of course... If you want something there is always a way to get there. Unfortunately on my way there are road works.

 

100. You wanna come to my place for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?!