1. Banta: When I get mad at u, u never fight back. How do u control ur anger?

Preeto: I clean the toilet.

Banta: How does that help?

Preeto: I use ur toothbrush.

 

2. Jeeto: U know, husband & wife aren't allowed to be together in heaven!

Santa: Yes, I do.That's why it's called heaven!

 

3. Santa had a dream in which someone murdered him. Next day he closed his bank account. Know why?

Because the bank's slogan was: We make your dreams come true...

 

4. Santa opened A College. Guess the Name of College?

The Name of the the College was: WOMEN`S COLLEGE FOR BOYS

 

5. Pappu: Dad, what is an idiot?

Santa: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?

Pappu: No.

 

6. Santa found the answer to the most difficult question ever: What will come first, Chicken or egg?

O Yaar, what ever U order first, will come first.

 

7. Teacher: what do u call a person who cannot hear anything?

Santa: U can call him anything, because he cannot hear anything.

 

8. Santa standing on the scale, holding his stomach in.

Jeeto: I don't think that is going to help.

Santa: Sure it does. How else could I see the numbers?

 

9. Angry Santa to his son: Have you ever seen an owl?

Pappu: (Luking down) No...

Santa: Don't look down. Look at me.

 

10. Santa: I got married because I was tired of cooking, cleaning home and washing clothes.

Banta: Amazing, I got divorce for the same reason.

 

11. Interviewer: What is skeleton?

Santa: Skeleton is a person who started dieting but forgot to stop it..!!!

 

12. Shopkeeper: This sweater's made of pure virgin wool sir.

Santa: You see I am not interested in the morals of the sheep. Just tell me, will it keep me warm?

 

13. Santa: How's Ur Sex Life?

Bangta: As ususal great, Monday to Friday.

Santa: What about the weekends?

Banta: Weekends? Oh! that time I'm at home, relaxing with my wife.

 

14. Banta to his servant: Go and water the plants.

Servant: It's already raining.

Banta: So what, take an umbrella and go.

 

15. Postman: I have to come 5 miles to deliver u this packet.

Santa: Why did u come so far. Instead U could have posted it.

 

16. Why did Santa sleep with a scale?

Because he wanted to measure how long he has Slept.

 

17. What a rip-off! Santa picked up a book called 37 Mating Positions. He goes home, opens it... and it turns out to be a book on chess!

 

18. Santa bought a car on loan... He didn't pay the dues, the bank took away his car.

Santa: If I knew this, I'd have taken a loan for my marriage also!

 

19. Banta was driving his car in a zigzag fashion on d road. Traffic inspector stopped him.

Banta: I'm learning car driving.

Inspector: Without d instructor?

Banta: Correspondence Course!

 

20. The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Pappu! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "Cartoon Network, Ten Sports, Discovery Channel and Pogo!"

 

21. Santa's father gave him a gun on wedding night & said: Fire in air if ur wife is virgin, shoot her if not.

Santa fired in air 1st night & shot her 2nd night.

 

22. Banta: What do you call a wife who is beautiful, intelligent, understanding, caring, never jealous and a great cook?

Santa: Niri Afwah !!!

 

23. Banta was traveling in an auto rickshaw with his wife. The driver adjusted the mirror.

Banta shouted: U r trying to see my wife, sit back, I'll drive!

 

24. Santa looked in the mirror & said: Seems I've seen him sumwhere.

Then he says: Oh yes! He's the same bastard who was standing next to my wife in my wedding album.

 

25.  Santa declares: I'll never marry in my life and I'll give same advice to my children also.

 

26. Santa: I'd like some Vitamins for my son.

Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C ?

Santa: Any will do as my son doesn't know the albhabets yet.

 

27. Gal: I think the poorest people are the haapiest.

Banta: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest.

 

28. What's an adult joke?

Santa: Any joke which is eighteen years old.

 

29. If u call ur mother as MUM what'll u call mother's younger sis & elder sis?

Santa: Minimum and Maximum

 

30. Santa: What is the similarity between Bill Gates n Me?

Banta: Don’t know.

Santa: Well... He never comes to my house & I never go 2 his!

 

31. Girl: Will you love me after marriage also?

Santa: This depends on your husband, if he allows me.

 

32. Santa & Banta are walking down the road when Banta says: Look at that dog with one eye!

Santa covers one of his eyes and says: Where?

 

33. Jeeto to Santa: Stop looking at girls, u r married now.

Santa: U mean if I am on diet, I can’t look at the menu also?

 

34. Heights of Friendship: Santa commiting suicide, someone asked the reason. He said: My wife ran with my friend and I can't live without my friend.

 

35. Santa: I tried ur number so many times, it always said 'Switched Off'!"

Banta: Nooo, it's my HELLO TUNE!

 

36. Santa was writing the passive voice of 'I made a mistake.'

He wrote: I was made by a mistake.

 

37. Santa to his son: I think it's right time we should talk about sex!

Pappu: Sure dad, what do u wanna know...?

 

38. An ATM's jammed & failed when operated by Santa. Why? B'coz he put a pin from his turban when asked: Enter ur Pin

 

39. Two days of powercut in Delhi had made life miserable. Worst affected was Delhi Metro station where families of Santa & Banta were struck for 48 hrs on Escalators.

 

40. Lady Secretary: Sir, it's ur wife's call. She wants to kiss u on the phone.

Santa: Take msg and give me later.

 

41. Santa: What food u feed ur new born baby?

Beautiful young Mom: Breast milk & Orange juice...

Santa: Oye, which side is orange juice?

 

42. Santa was busy in removing a wheel from auto, Banta asks: Y r u removin a wheel from ur auto?

Santa: Can't u read 'Parking for two wheelers only'

 

43. See what a spelling mistake can do...

Santa went to Goa. Sent SMS to his wife: Having a wonderful time, wish u were Her

 

44. Banta: Some people can tell time by looking at the sun.

Santa: But I've never been able to see the numbers

 

45. Banta: Y do u take ur wife only to night clubs?

Santa: By the time she gets ready no other place is open

 

46. Santa: Today is Sunday & I wanna njoy, so I bought 3 movie tickets

Jeeto: Why 3?

Santa: For u n ur parents

 

47. Banta: I've discovered the origin of the word Good-Bye

Santa: Oh, yeah? What's it? Banta: Many years ago, some husband said to his wife, 'I'm leaving u!' & the wife said: Good! Bye!

 

48. At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I hv lst my hand, oh!

Santa: Control urself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

 

49. Banta: U cheated me.

Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.

Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all India Radio!

 

50. Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?

Santa: Tipu's skeleton.

Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it?

Santa: That's Tipu's skeleton when he was child

 

51. Banta: Y did u buy ur wife a huge diamond ring for her B'day? I thought she wanted a car.

Santa: She did, but where in the world was I going to find a fake car?

 

52. Santa: If I die will u remarry?

Jeeto: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?

Santa: No, I'll also stay with ur sister

 

53. A man to Santa: Ur friend is kissing ur wife in ur home.

Santa rushes home and came back within half an hour n slapped the man n said: He's not my friend.

 

54. Santa sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Couple of seconds later he received a report on his phone and he started to dance. The report said: 'Delivered'

 

55. Santa was standing in sun on a hot sunny day.

Banta asked: What are you doing?

Santa: Drying sweat

 

56. Santa was looking at a painting for a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering the body, he was asked what he was doing and he answered: Waiting for autumn.

 

57. Santa and Banta were fixing a bomb in a car.

Santa : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.

Banta : Dont worry, I have one more.

 

58. An Englishman and Santa inside the toilet.

Englishman: Good evening, how do u do?

Santa: Gud evening, we open the zip and do.

 

59. Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatoes 5 days ago, he hasn't come back yet!

Santa: Why don't u cook something else.

 

60. A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell.

Santa doesn’t turns up for 4 days.

Lady calls again, Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out

 

61. Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?

Pappu: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.

 

62. Pappu while filling up a form: What should I write against mother tongue.?

Santa: Very long.....!

 

63. An Englishman and Santa inside the toilet.

Englishman: Good evening, how do u do?

Santa: Gud evening, we open the zip and do.

 

64. Pappu, while filling up a form: Dad, what should I write against mother tongue.?

Santa: Very long!

 

65. Santa falls in luv with a nurse... After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister.

 

66. Jeeto: If I die what'll you do?

Santa: I may also die.

Jeeto: Why?

Santa: Some time too much of happiness can also kill a man.

 

67. Santa: Why Americans stop printing stamps with photo of Pamela Anderson?

Banta: Coz people started licking the wrong side of it for pasting them on the envelopes.

 

68. Dress code 4 a party - BLACK TIES ONLY.

Banta goes for the party & is surprised to see that the other guests are wearing SUITS also!

 

69. Santa: I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about u?

Banta: Me too, after u leave.

 

70. Santa was caught for speeding and went before the judge.

The judge: What'll you take 30 days or Rs 3000.

Santa: I think I'll take the money.

 

71. Q: How do you recognize Santa's son, Pappu, in School?

A: He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the board.

 

72. Santa saw a beautiful gal... he went and smooched her.

Gal - What are you doing?

Santa: Law, 4th semester from Punjab University.

 

73. Banta: Name the 3 fastest means of communication.

Santa: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman

 

74. Banta was driving down the highway past a sign that said, "Clean Toilets 8 Kms."

By the time he drove eight kms he had cleaned 14 toilets.

 

75. Banta: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

Santa: The taste.

 

76. Jeeto: Why do Farts stink?

Santa: So that Deaf people can enjoy them too!

 

77. Santa: I’m a proud father. My son is in medical college.

Banta: What’s he studying?"

Santa: He's not studying, they are studying him!

 

78. Q: Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?

A: Because it was an entrance exam.

 

79. Santa: My mother-in-law was bitten by a mad dog!

Banta: Oh! That’s terrible.

Santa: Yes, it was sad to watch the dog die in convulsions.

 

80. Santa and Jeeto were on an African Safari when a lion sprang out of nowhere & draged Jeeto with his jaws.

Jeeto: Shoot him, Shoot him!

Santa: I can't. I ran out of film.

 

81. Jeeto: U tell a man something, it goes in one ear & comes out of the other.

Santa: U tell a woman something, it goes in both ears & comes out of the mouth.

 

82. What's Ford?

Santa: Gaadi.

What's Oxford?

Santa: So simple, Bail Gaadi.

 

83. Q: Why did Santa throw the butter out of the window?

A: He wanted to see butterfly!

 

84. Jeeto: I didn't know you smoked. When did you start?

Preeto: That night my husband came home early and found a cigarette butt in the ashtray.

 

85. Once Professor Santa asked a plumber to come to his college. You know why?

Because he wanted to check from where the question paper is leaking.

 

86. Banta: Why is the Police nicknamed "The heart of the country"?

Santa: It beats, beats, beats....

 

87. Santa: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage.

Banta: He probably got a lot of applause ven he got out.

Santa: I didn't say he got out.

 

88. Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of.

Pappu: Life imprisonment!

 

89. Santa was drawing money from ATM. Banta, who was just behind him in the line said: I've seen ur password. It’s ****. Sant: U r wrong. It’s 1394.

 

90. Santa walks into a library & says, "Can I have a burger and coke?" Librarian, "I'm sorry, this is a library." Santa whispers, "Can I have a burger & fries?"

 

91. Q: Why did Santa take his pregnant wife Jeeto to Pizza Hut? A: Because they advertised: 'Free Delivery'

 

92. Santa (reading from book of facts): "Do you know that every time I breathe a man dies?" Banta: "Why don't you use a mouth wash?"

 

93. Santa: In all AIDS ads, they talk of SAFE SEX. What is SAFE SEX?

Banta: Oye, SAFE SEX is when wife is out of town!

 

94. Lady golfer storms angrily into club house.

Golf PRO: What's wrong?

Lady: Got stung by a bee.

PRO: Where?

Lady: Between the 1st and 2nd hole!

 

95. Boss during Interview for Post of Secretary asked: What's the Difference between a Paperclip & a Screw?

Lady: I don't know, I've never been Paperclipped !

 

96. Why did the Grammer teacher slap Santa's Son?

B'coz he asked: Why is BRA Singular, when it covers 2 items n PANTIES Plural when it Covers one item?

 

97. Banta: It is shame but let me confess I have become HOMOSEXUAL.

Wife: How come?

Banta: I have Sex at HOME only!

Wife: Thank god I am not.

 

98. Santa: Madam this panty & this bra will look nice on U.

Lady: How can U be so sure?

Santa: I'have done diploma in interior designing.

 

99. Banta wanted Twins. So what did he do?

He Made two Holes in the Condom.

 

100. Jeeto: What'll u do if u have only 5 mins before an Atomic blast occurs?

Santa: I'll have SEX with u.

Jeeto: OK, but what about the next for minutes?